I was ambidextrous as a kid. When I was learning to write I would start on the left side of the page and when I got to the middle, I’d simply switch hands. To this day, if I ever broke my right hand I could write grocery lists and sign checks (does anyone even use checks anymore?) with my left and get by.
I don’t have a profile side I like more. In politics, I lean to the left. I like to use both my left and right brain. I do not prefer my right to my left. I don’t.
So, I have to ask. Why is the entire left side of my body rebelling? It’s getting kind of weird. I’m sort of expecting a full on labor strike from the west side.
It started with my “giant leg.” Long, boring story short: one night I noticed my calf was twice the size of its partner on the right. I freaked out, thought I was going to die of a blood clot and went to the ER. The doctor there also thought it was a clot. It wasn’t. Three months later my left calf still balloons out each day and deflates each night. I’ve been told it is some sort of vascular condition that can be fixed with a laser after three months of compression stocking therapy. It’s almost July. I’m not wearing panty hose with my shorts this summer. And so my calf and I continue our unhealthy co-dependent relationship and ignore the big, white, freckled elephant in the room.
Then, a routine eye exam revealed my left eye is not producing tears. This is disappointing on many levels. I thought my recent lack of tears in the face of day to day stress was attributed to strength and maturity. Turns out it was just dry eye syndrome. I’ve been prescribed fish oil for my eye health and given a recommendation for a brand that “reduces burp back.” Good lord in heaven. Really? Burp back?
Now, my left foot keeps cramping up. The toes are pointing in 5 different directions and there is nothing I can do to loosen them up. They are seriously stuck. How will I wear shoes tomorrow? How will I go to work? Hmmmm, can you take a sick day for toe cramps? Interesting thought.
I have no idea what I ever did to piss off my left half. But I’m going to need to bring in a mediator soon because this is getting ridiculous.
