So Nora Ephron feels bad about her neck. Neck waddle. Big deal. Neck waddle always reminds me of Ally McBeal. Didn’t Fish have a thing for women with neck waddle? I’m guessing he did not dig arm waddle.There is nothing sexy about arm waddle.
I feel bad about my arms. I’m not overweight. In fact, eight years and three kids later (I know that sounds a little crazy especially when I tell you there are no multiples) I am back to my wedding weight. Ok, give or take 2-3 pounds–but for the sake of illustration I will just say I’m back to my wedding weight.
Yay me! Um, not so fast.
First, things have shifted awkwardly. I have this weird lumpy belly button thing that sticks out thanks to stomach muscles that never quite went all the way back together. I remember vividly how proud I was when my first son was born. I had to have an emergency c-section and as the doctors were sewing me back up I basked in the glow of…them admiring my strong stomach muscles. They had “never seen such great abdominals!” They said that. Really. They did (stomp foot).
Well, you’d never know it now when my 4 year old sinks his fist into my soft middle and giggles about my funny belly button. You don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone. (I feel like I need to credit Cinderella for that profound thought. And now that song is stuck in my head.
Here’s the other thing: I honestly am not exaggerating when I tell you this. People say things like this when they want to pretend they aren’t in shape and then kick your ass in the 5K fundraiser at school. But I’m being 100% sincere:
I have not exercised in two three years. Not a jog around the block. Not a single push up. Not even a curl with a 2 lb dumbbell. Nada. I walk to and from my car. I do a lap or two around my office. I go up and down the stairs at my house. I bend over to pick things up. That is the extent of it. I know it’s crazy but I work full time (and when I say full time I mean 14 of the 18 hours I’m awake). I have three boys 6 years old and younger. I’m freakin’ tired.
So just because I’m thin–and that basically comes from not eating and being a stress case–people think I’m fit. And then I do something stupid. I wave. And the skin where a bicep should be (or tricep; it’s been so long I forget the difference) hangs in a sad, sagging frown of useless flesh. And it sways back and forth. And then I stop waving and it still sways back and forth.
It’s horrendously embarrassing. I should definitely get up early tomorrow to go to the gym and start working out. Or at least rescue my exercise bands from their hooks in the garage.
But I’m just so tired.
And soon it will be Fall and all will be better. I will be wearing sleeves.
Music video by Cinderella performing Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone). © 1988 The Island Def Jam Music Group
