“The grass is always greener.” You’re welcome.
No, seriously. I am still grappling with this very real, very unsettling fact and I think that is the truth we are all fighting against. Maybe it is just me and no one else is this crazy, but I am struggling with it every single day.
I keep thinking: There has to be a better way!
Followed closely by: Maybe I should just stay home.
And then replaced with: How can I work and be home more?
I have tried lots of combinations of being a mom and working. With big F., I took two years off and kept my foot in the door with some long-distance consulting/project work for my previous employer. A cross-country move for my husband’s job made my departure easier for them to swallow and, thanks to a great manager and mentor, I was able to make a nice little sum by writing press releases and marketing brochures during nap time. I helped fill the gap while they looked for my replacement and they helped me feel less like a fish out of water in my new town and home with a new baby. Win-win. But all good things must come to an end and soon they didn’t really need me anymore.
So, after D. was born, I felt a huge magnetic pull back to full-time work. When I look back I wonder if I’d just stuck it out 6 more months would I have come out on the other side? I was caught in a long dark tunnel of identical days being home with two babies under 2 years old. My days were long and my will was weak. I felt my brain atrophying and my nerves shredding. I decided it was time to go back to work. So I looked for a full-time job and interviewed wherever the jobs were. A couple of day trips to interview at a big PR firm in Chicago, and the inevitable flight delays meant I found myself self expressing my baby’s food source into a public toilet just to endure the plane ride home. If you nursed you know that rock hard point of no return when you have to do something, anything to get relief. Not a high point. I look back and wonder why I was so desperate to get back to work right this minute.
The job offer that did come in brought us back to Colorado and put me smack dab in the middle of a 70 hour work week. Huh. Being home wasn’t so bad after all. At least I got to see my kids for more than an hour a night. Oh, and around this time, Clear Blue Easy let us know little L. was on his way.
Fast forward 2 years, which is fine because it is all a blur anyway, and I try option #3–part-time. That previous manager and mentor from 4 years prior calls me and comes to my rescue again making me an offer I can’t refuse. Part-time work–24 hours a week. Perfect. Except it wasn’t. Budget cuts meant future employment was uncertain, shortened work week meant I never felt “all in,” working part-time left me feeling too split and not focused enough. I wasn’t doing either job well enough to feel satisfied.
And so, another year later, and I’m back in the throes of a 70 hour work week. And this doesn’t feel right either. So what’s the answer? I’m putting it out there. I’m sending it out to the universe to help answer. This might sound New Age-y, but it has worked for me before. I’ve tried a lot of neighborhoods and the grass has always been greener on the other side of that fence. And then I climb over the 8 foot tall, barbed wire spiked fence only to get over there and find out that the view was better on the other side. But I’m locked out and I don’t have the energy to haul my tired ass back over the fence to the more premium real estate with the view.
So, here’s the 900 million dollar question: what the hell should I do with my life?
How do I satisfy both my need to be with my kids and my desire to work? This is way cheaper than therapy. And guessing your insights will be infinitely more helpful.
