My birthday is fast approaching and every year around my birthday I begin to long for a makeover. I want Stacey and Clinton to bust down the door and forcibly remove every item from my closet, packing me off to NYC with money to burn and advice on how to accentuate my butt and hide my tummy.
I want the dude with the painted eyebrows to tame my unruly curly hair. I want Carmindy to teach me how to apply white eyeliner so my eyes look big, round and bright. I want to know how to hide my dark circles, fill in my fine lines and conceal my blemishes.
So I’m putting all the blame on my birthday that yesterday morning, a Saturday, I got out of bed at 7:00 on my own–no kids forcing me up. I showered, dressed and drove about 40 minutes to visit a self-proclaimed “hair straightening expert.” I have struggled with my curly hair my entire life. And I’m not someone who knows what to do with a flat iron; I don’t even own a hair dryer. But as I near 40–yes, 40–I would like to look a little more polished, more pulled together. I’d like to lose the daily ponytail.
What did I find out from the expert? That he could permanently straighten my hair. That it could go from a thick mop of curls to Cher sleek in 5 hours and for $550. That I’d also have to invest in special shampoo. That there’d be maintenance. He likened the process to plastic surgery for hair.
I’m afraid of commitment. Don’t tell my husband.
I’m afraid to spend money. $600 on my hair? Twice a year? Plus shampoo, styling creams, a hair dryer…
But you can’t put a price on happiness. I’ve seen those women with beautiful straight hair that doesn’t fuzz about around their heads like Napolean Dynamite’s twin sister. They are happy. Their lives are perfect. Their kids behave and their house is spotless. They have dinner parties. They make 40 look fabulous and effortless and fun.
Should I do it? I just can’t decide. Talk about guilty.
“What do you mean who am I? Boys, it’s Mommy. Yes, I’m Mommy. I know I look different but that’s because I paid someone a lot of money to pour chemicals on my head to totally change my appearance. But always remember, boys, you are perfect just the way you are.”
